cloudy mind

I haven't had a breakfast taco in weeks and I don't like it. Tho, the last one I had was pretty good. It was a Terra taco from Cherrywood. Normally I go for eggs, potato, and maybe chilies, so the Terra Taco, with its fried tofu and avocado additions is a little more gourmet than I normally prefer. But it was really good. Sadly, cherrywood's tortillas and salsa suck; if they invested more in these areas, their breakfast tacos could be something special. Instead, they still fall far short of the torchy's standard.

I woke up this morning in a bit of a cloudy funk. I had bad dreams all last night. Well, one really long bad dream. In it, my dad was yelling at me. A lot. I had come home from school. (In the dream world, dad's still alive.) and mom bought me a suede jacket for my birthday or something. And I said that it was nice, but i didn't need it because it was leather and too hot for texas and all my normal excuses. Like I normally do. And he flipped out on me. And an old friend who Im on rocky terms with was there as well. And that was pretty ruff too. Because I hate teh rocky terms. I think I can analyze the dad part. I'm projecting onto my memory of him how shitty I felt as a son. I was never properly thankful for how wonderful he was. For how mom and he both are/were. I told Michelle last night that I never really knew my dad and I think that's true. If there's one thing I learned about him from his wake its that he lived a life totally separate from what I knew of him. its that people held him in incredibly high regard. its that he wasn't just my dad but he had a life that I didn't know much about. And now will never know about.

As for the friend...well, i hate losing friends. Michelle said that some friends are for a reason, some are fr a season, and some are for lifetime. but I dont really like that. I like to think that all friends are for my lifetime. And I feel like this one is salvageable. But its troubling to me that its on rocky terms because my friends mean so much to me. I hate losing them. I feel like I lose a part of myself. I had a long, and great, chat with reshanne yesterday which reminded just how much my friends mean to me, and exactly how terrible a friend i've been this semester. I need to get better--probably starting in May, unfortunately.

So tomorrow we're receiving our exams for law libraries. everyone who took it last year said not to worry. So i'm not worrying much. but I still am a bit nervous. It just sucked so hard as a class. I have no idea what's important. I have no idea what I need to know. But I think it should be ok. I'm goign to go back over my notes and my outline. and I'll add what needs to be added. So hopefully I can finish it quickly. I really dont have a lot of time to bother with it because of the crowdsourcing paper. That thing is in disrepair a bit. I think it'll be ok in the end, but the problem is that I have to have my post designed for it VERY SOON. and since i have exactly no idea what to put on the poster, that's problematic. Still, that's something I'm going to worry about next week, I think.

ok. off to class soon.

The end is too far near

I'm back, after a long hiatus. I wasn't gone by choice, really. I've been so busy and so stressed and so being pulled in every direction that it's been hard to find time to reflect. But now, instead of doing the work I should be doing, I'm taking that time.

I found out today that Jeni's Splendid Ice Creams opened up their Chagrin Falls shop(pe). I'm at once excited and homesick. Excited because I love any time my little town is mentioned. I love any time I can see pictures of my home from something other than my flickr stream. But, of course, I'm homesick because its home. It's where all my memories are. It's where I wish I was right now. Or maybe I just wish chagrin was where I am. I have this viseral connection with chagrin. Like its my lantern and I need to be recharged by the falls. once I have money and time, I'll try to get back there at least once a year. Right now, tho, that's not in the cards.

What is in the cards, tho, is librarianship. Which is a little disappointing for me. The thing is, I'm not a custodian of books. I like to think of myself as a legal information specialist. the part of the job i like is the legal analysis. but what i do most is find shit. Which has a purpose. However, today it really annoyed me when a young attorney came looking for a journal article and clearly had no interest in trying to get it himself. Instead, he wanted me to do it for him. because i'm the bitch. how does he have a normal job and i dont? ugh. I dont want that for the rest of forever

however, there are really good things about law librarianship. I just want to ride my bike, have time for long distance tours, but i also want a decent salary.

so i wonder, what can i do with my friends that will make money. surely we can all pull together our talents to something marketable? no?

ok, i really need to get back to work. enough of this for now.