I have been intending to start a new blog since moving here in August, but I think the general malaise over everything took my energy away. Now, tho, I think it might be interesting and healthy to jot down some thoughts here. I miss my c-bus blog, and sure, maybe i'll just integrate this into it eventually. But for now, here is a new blog.
So, I'm writing this mainly because I'm avoiding working on a paper or two that I have due in the next 12 days. I suppose I'm in good shape with them -- one is done in a decent draft form. I just need to flesh out a few bits at the end and draw up a works cited page. The other one is due a bit later, and I'm working on that with a partner, and she feels good about it, so I guess I should as well. But my deep paranoia about school work won't allow me to not worry about it. I guess that's the real reason I'm writing this tonight: Because my brain can't handle thinking about my papers any more, but I have to feel like I'm doing something at least a little constructive.
I have so many neroses. so many issues. But I'm not feeling them right now except for the terror over school. I really hope things work out. I'm worried because I just don't feel invested or engaged in anything I'm doing. Its very hard to give anything my full attention/care. But the aforementioned neurosis over school won't let me relax. So I just worry and not fully commit.
I keep wondering if this is in some way related to dad still. I say still, but I guess 1.5 years really isn't that long ago, right? I don't know; I still feel like it was yesterday. And I feel like I can't get on track. But, then again, I was off track when he passed away. It just knocked me further. I understand even less what I'm doing at any time. Combine that with my fears of failure, my repeated rejections over jobs, my feeling older, and you have a ball of insecurity and unsure-ness. Ugh....
I think maybe I should just go to bed early and try to work tomorrow on the things I have. I actually do think that trying to do it more tonight is folly since I probably won't make any good changes. Any that I like anyway. So leaving well enough alone is maybe good, yea?
Yea. dad. I've found that I've been missing him a lot. Basically everytime I go out walking. He enters my mind. I miss him so much.
Alrighty. I just wanted to see this blog, start it going. We shall see what happens from here. And I hope what happens is I get a good sleep, wake up well, eat a breakfast taco, and get good work done tomorrow.
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