still no pictures; no breakfast tacos since break started

once again, i'm trying this HTML editor, so we'll see how this goes. I finished the knife of never letting go today and enjoyed it quite a bit. Unfortunately for me and my bank account, it ends on a major cliffhanger, so even if i wasn't that into the series, I'd still need to continue just so I can find out what happens. Fortunatley its good enough to continue on. But I don't really feel like buying the next two, so I've put in my requests from the library. Hopefully they'll arrive soon.

i guess in the mean time I'll have to work on the amicus brief that Kevin and I are trying to write and the paper that i have to better-i-fy in the next 2 weeks so I can submit it to ASIS&T (whatever the hell that stands for). Honestly, I'm not totally sure why Matt thinks its worth a conference, but I'll let them decide. To me, it was all pretty basic stuff. A standard law review would dig into the material a LOT deeper, so from my legal writing perspective, its all pretty basic. This is not to say that I didn't work on the paper. Quite the contrary, I worked really hard on it. But I would have preferred if I had focused on one or two issues, rather than the 5 I did. Instead, I tried to present a survey, which to me feels super basic. I suppose it could be that's because I have legal training and I don't understand what other people can and can't understand. But I just feel like everything i wrote should be easily understandable to anyone.

i've been pretty bitter toward grad school recently. Last night I was trying to help michelle with her paper and every time her adviser used a grad school phrase like 'unpack' or whatever, i nearly lost my shit. Grad school really thinks its special. it thinks it's real life. but it just isn't. In real life, no one cares about all this crap. school tries to tell you that you're being trained for life, and what you're learning will translate to the real world. But from what i've seen, grad school mainly teaches you to do grad school. The more you're here, the more you learn how to do these student things that aren't real life... blah... i don't know.

the start of a very short summer

Two things up front. 1. I'm on vacation now, but I've been trying to work thru numerous things, so this post will probably be about those things. 2. I'm trying to type this in the html editor with my basic understanding of html. so i hope it works with luck, this will start a new paragraph after this thing.

first, Upon Reshanne's suggestion, we've started to read a book called the knife of never letting go for a reunion book club via Skype. I'm about 4 chapters in and it's not surprising to me at all that Reshanne likes this book: 1. precocious teenager; 2. mystical sic fi plot; 3. questioning of religion; 4. sort of pos apocalyptic story line. My second thought is that YA novels very often tend to be extremely plot driven. This is not to say that its bad. but importantly, the author, patrick Ness, clearly has a place in mind that the story should go. And the action in the book is designed to carry out that purpose. Again, its not bad, its just clearly plot driven.

anyway, so I'm enjoying it, but mainly I think i'm looking forward to a new book club outing. I've been trying to think about why I enjoyed book club so much, and its really a collection of things. First, great friends. I'm not sure I realized just how much I enjoyed Reshanne and Laura's company last summer. I was probably too caught up in numerous thoughts: 1. I'm old; 2. I need to have a real life beyond borders; 3. I'm afraid to build strong relationships since I'll be leaving soon; 4. any other many stupid neuroses I have.

second, I really enjoyed the community aspect of reading the same book and having a set time each week that we would get together. Who cares that we never really read the book. the point that was awesome was getting together each week by schedule. that and experiencing the same things together.

third, I've realized while being here how great the relationships I've made thru borders are and how much I miss those people. I'm not sure what it was/is, but those people are all some of my favorite people ever. Maybe its because of the growing up together thing....that we all, in the first years, slaved away, and grew together thru our early 20s into out late 20s and now in our 30s. Erin, Kevin, Josh, Pete (tho he's a bit older), kristen, maggie, Shears (a bit older)... and then when I returned, I think I expected to not really connect with anyone. So I certainly felt like the "old guard" and I bonded again with Maggie and Josh...but then there was the new crew of kids....kids who were a lot younger than me, but just like I had been 6 years before when I started. And it was fast friendship.

Yet I always felt like the outsider. Just a little. Part was because I was the old guard (as mentioned). I came in and was all like "blah blah blah this is what borders was like back in my day. blah blah blah just don't care...that's the way to be...." and all that jazz. Also, I was a lot older than everyone. And importantly, I FELT older than everyone. not wiser (tho I think I have a few things to add), but definitely older and world wearier. So I think i never expected to find as great a thing as book club. In some ways it was like my old conception of friends. back with Sara and marta and kirsten and Lowell and Zach.... back in the good days. back before we all went out ways. those fridays we're our time. not individual time, but our time collectively. And now I think I'm really missing that. The thing about grad school is that relationships feel more temporary and even a little bit forced at times. Forced because we're all very different, but slammed in the same place at the same time and we bond under similar experience. Of course, borders is somewhat similar, but at the same time, I feel like we all share more similarities than that suggests. Indeed, I will forever think of those people and those times as some of my favorite people....and ones I didn't have enough time with

so of course I'm looking forward to bringing some of that back. and even more, I really what to be friends with Laura again. Not just because I feel like an ass, but moreover because we were good friends, and I want that back. Good friendships are rare; you can't just let them die, right?

but this leads me to a problem with dating in general: I hate how it almost certainly leads to losing friends. Not just with the person you're dating if you break up, but also your other friends who fall by the wayside. I do not like that. I've been thinking about Rebekka a lot recently, how we had a great friendship beyond our dating relationship and how I miss that.I don't ever want to date her again, but I'd at least like to know how she's doing. How her life is. Share music suggestions. all that jazz. But instead we can't be friends again. Because we dated. That sort of scares me in every relationship i'm in; I'm afraid to get close and then lose it and then not be allowed to be close again.

i'm not sure where i'm going with any of this. I just want my friends. I want to hang out and shoot the shit and talk about music and books and not care about grad school bullshit and not give too much thought to the mundane things in life. I want my friends, that's it. I know that Michelle may say something about building new friendships, and that's certainly true, but I just don't move on very easily. I think part of these feelings come from hanging out a bit with Michelle's friends and feeling like this people are ok, but they're not mine. I could imagine enjoying their company, but they're not mine. I miss mine. I love my friends and I love those who have stuck with me thru the years.

I'm going to stop this. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just home sick for familiarity and for old friends. I need to give mike and kevin and nooree all calls. ugh....

cloudy mind

I haven't had a breakfast taco in weeks and I don't like it. Tho, the last one I had was pretty good. It was a Terra taco from Cherrywood. Normally I go for eggs, potato, and maybe chilies, so the Terra Taco, with its fried tofu and avocado additions is a little more gourmet than I normally prefer. But it was really good. Sadly, cherrywood's tortillas and salsa suck; if they invested more in these areas, their breakfast tacos could be something special. Instead, they still fall far short of the torchy's standard.

I woke up this morning in a bit of a cloudy funk. I had bad dreams all last night. Well, one really long bad dream. In it, my dad was yelling at me. A lot. I had come home from school. (In the dream world, dad's still alive.) and mom bought me a suede jacket for my birthday or something. And I said that it was nice, but i didn't need it because it was leather and too hot for texas and all my normal excuses. Like I normally do. And he flipped out on me. And an old friend who Im on rocky terms with was there as well. And that was pretty ruff too. Because I hate teh rocky terms. I think I can analyze the dad part. I'm projecting onto my memory of him how shitty I felt as a son. I was never properly thankful for how wonderful he was. For how mom and he both are/were. I told Michelle last night that I never really knew my dad and I think that's true. If there's one thing I learned about him from his wake its that he lived a life totally separate from what I knew of him. its that people held him in incredibly high regard. its that he wasn't just my dad but he had a life that I didn't know much about. And now will never know about.

As for the friend...well, i hate losing friends. Michelle said that some friends are for a reason, some are fr a season, and some are for lifetime. but I dont really like that. I like to think that all friends are for my lifetime. And I feel like this one is salvageable. But its troubling to me that its on rocky terms because my friends mean so much to me. I hate losing them. I feel like I lose a part of myself. I had a long, and great, chat with reshanne yesterday which reminded just how much my friends mean to me, and exactly how terrible a friend i've been this semester. I need to get better--probably starting in May, unfortunately.

So tomorrow we're receiving our exams for law libraries. everyone who took it last year said not to worry. So i'm not worrying much. but I still am a bit nervous. It just sucked so hard as a class. I have no idea what's important. I have no idea what I need to know. But I think it should be ok. I'm goign to go back over my notes and my outline. and I'll add what needs to be added. So hopefully I can finish it quickly. I really dont have a lot of time to bother with it because of the crowdsourcing paper. That thing is in disrepair a bit. I think it'll be ok in the end, but the problem is that I have to have my post designed for it VERY SOON. and since i have exactly no idea what to put on the poster, that's problematic. Still, that's something I'm going to worry about next week, I think.

ok. off to class soon.

The end is too far near

I'm back, after a long hiatus. I wasn't gone by choice, really. I've been so busy and so stressed and so being pulled in every direction that it's been hard to find time to reflect. But now, instead of doing the work I should be doing, I'm taking that time.

I found out today that Jeni's Splendid Ice Creams opened up their Chagrin Falls shop(pe). I'm at once excited and homesick. Excited because I love any time my little town is mentioned. I love any time I can see pictures of my home from something other than my flickr stream. But, of course, I'm homesick because its home. It's where all my memories are. It's where I wish I was right now. Or maybe I just wish chagrin was where I am. I have this viseral connection with chagrin. Like its my lantern and I need to be recharged by the falls. once I have money and time, I'll try to get back there at least once a year. Right now, tho, that's not in the cards.

What is in the cards, tho, is librarianship. Which is a little disappointing for me. The thing is, I'm not a custodian of books. I like to think of myself as a legal information specialist. the part of the job i like is the legal analysis. but what i do most is find shit. Which has a purpose. However, today it really annoyed me when a young attorney came looking for a journal article and clearly had no interest in trying to get it himself. Instead, he wanted me to do it for him. because i'm the bitch. how does he have a normal job and i dont? ugh. I dont want that for the rest of forever

however, there are really good things about law librarianship. I just want to ride my bike, have time for long distance tours, but i also want a decent salary.

so i wonder, what can i do with my friends that will make money. surely we can all pull together our talents to something marketable? no?

ok, i really need to get back to work. enough of this for now.

I never had a good title for these things

So I should be doing some kind of work right now, but I can't decide what to do, so I'm not doing work right now.

No breakfast taco today, sadly. I really should have gotten one, too, because I'm super hungry. Yesterday I went for a 16.5 mile bike ride out in some hills. It wasn't bad, except it reminds me of how great shape i used to be in. And I wish I could go farther, but being out for about an hour is all I can do without freaking out about work. Also, my neck/shoulder area really can't handle more than an hour, so its ok.

I need to bike more. It just makes me feel good.

This weekend, i go to Philly for Aaron's wedding. I'm pretty excited, tho I wish it were over the summer when I have a little more time. Still, it'll be great to see Aaron and Megan, and to meet Lauren. I hope that, when I'm there, I can see the Rocky Statue. But I seriously doubt I'll get the chance. Still, that's ok. Hopefully I'll get to go back to Philly one day. I just get seriously nervous about taking time/days away when I should be working on school

So its hot here. Like mid to high 80s daily. 2 weeks ago, it was sort of cooler. then all of a sudden BAM! hot. interestingly, part of me wants to be back in the cold. I think its almost entirely because I'm still homesick. And home = crappy weather, in many ways

I haven't given more thought to my cleveland theory.

I have given some thought to the crowdsourcing paper. right now, I plan to address at least, IP, securities, and clickwraps, and outsourcing comparisons. I still feel quite scattered about this paper, but I hope that by next week I can start getting some stuff on paper. I have the feeling like this paper may not be as hard as I think. I wrote a 3 page status report, which suggests to me that I can easily fill 15 pages. My main concern over this paper is that I think Lease has some hopes for me that Im worried about fulfilling. Anyway, more on that as it develops

Finally, I think that school/life is continuing to kil my brain. I really want Pokemon White for some reason, having never played a pokemon game and not having played an rpg in forever. why oh why do i want it? probably because everything sound better than work/school right now

of course, i doubt i'll buy it. my trike and ipad are far more important.

ok this is seriously not going anywhere. tata

I dreamt I had a dream

No breakfast taco today. but I'll probably get a torchy's tomorrow.

I did however, have a dream last night. It was a weird mash up of being in borders (which was designed more like borders was what I first worked there) and talking to someone about reviewing his film (as if I were a film reviewer), then having a painful conversation with an old friend. it woke me up in the middle of it, and I laid awake at 2am thinking for a while.Of course, I wasn't composing any important thoughts beyond "I wish I was asleep." But still, I was awake.

So there isn't a lot to report on today. I dont have any further thoughts on my crowdsourcing paper because I haven't given it any further thought. That, however, I really need to do tonight. But, getting in teh way of that is my planned bike ride. Sadly, the neck/shoulder region has been bugging me recently, so I hope it holds up today. I really should just suck it up and buy the trike already. But I'm hesitant, as I am. I just want my bike to work with me. but it doesnt and I should just get the trike and be happy about it. Ugh.

Sadly, I have no much to say and I have to get back to work soon. fun fun

Mi Madre: Review: I need a Torchey's to wash out the Mi Madre

It's not that Mi Madre's taco was bad. Indeed, it was ok. But it certainly wasn't great. And certainly not what I've come to expect from breakfast taco places here in the ATX. With Mi Madre, everything was ok. The eggs were ok, but mostly flavorless. The potatoes were about the same. The Tortilla tasted mass produced and a little gummy. And the salsa was decent enough, but not great. All in all, it just wasn't satisfying. Torchey's still reigns supreme here.

I have a lot on my mind today and a lot i want to blog about. Right now, I should be working. But I suppose that's always the case in grad school. One of those things that ISN'T on my mind, however, is my dreams. I've had them recently, but I can't remember them. I've had kind of restless nights over the past few nights. I think because a lot of Michelle's stress is rubbing off on me. I'm normally a pretty stressed person, and when she gets stressed, it makes me tense. and that's no good. Furthermore, I have my own work to do, but I've spent a sort of lot of time helping her with stuff, and that cuts into my own work time, which i feel is suffering now because of it.

So yea... this is not to say that I'm unhappy with Michelle. Quite the contrary, I'm very happy with her. But it's been hard recently because school weighs on my heavily ordinarily, and the external pressure compounding my frustrations. It concerns me a bit.

Anyway, on to school. Before the end of the year I have to seriously approach this ethical guidelines thing, really start studying for law libraries (because I have no idea what he wants us to know) and think about crowdsourcing. Crowdsourcing is going to be the most difficult because I dont think i understand what Matt Lease is looking for with this paper. Basically my paper is about some of the legal implications of crowdwork. However, as an entry point into this conference on collaborative work, he wants me to say something like "collaborative work is going to increase in the future...." and then do a little compare and contrast between crowdsourcing and outsourcing

so here are my initial ideas. 1. crowdsourcing is likely to increase. As it increases, it also runs an increased risk of running up against the law. There many things that people who are thinking of using crowd work need to consider when thinking about engaging in this type of work. 1. Employment issues. Are crowdworkers employees or something else? I dont really think they are like the traditional independent contractor either, so what are they? What sort of tax issues are there that a company will have to consider? Does even virtual money create tax problems? 2. IP issues. If a creative company produces a creative work using crowd workers, who is the author and thus who profits off of it? Under copyright, all authors are due payment for their portion of profits off of a work. if you crowdsource a creative work, that means that everyone who contributes an independently copyrightable portion should earn off a sale. Under patent law, i think it's similar. What if you crowdsourced work on an invention? Should everyone profit off of it? 3. clickwrap licenses. they can be effective at getting rights away from people. but how effective?

SO that's where I am, but I'm not really sure where Matt Lease is. I have to do some serious thought about this. And start working on the paper. I'd like to get some stuff written down by Friday. My thoughts are that this paper shouldn't be as hard as I think it is and I'd like to only spend 2 real weeks working on it. I'm more concerned about timing of everything as end of the year stuff has a tendency to bump up against everything. Also, I have no idea how to make a poster and have to think about that as well. seriously, a poster. eff that in its face.

And I still haven't written anything about sxsw. I'll get to that later, i guess.

TIme

No breakfast taco today. Why? WHY? WHY GOD WHY!?! I really could go for a good one right about now.

I do have a dream, tho. I can't remember much of it, unfortunately. But I can say that I was trying to get together with a friend and went to her house, spoke with her family, and eventually I foudn her, and then I woke up. That's all I can really remember. hmm..

there's someone who is coughing like crazy next to me. I actually may have to move. Things here have all of a sudden gotten quite loud. I do not like loud, sam i am. Now another person joined in the noise. And a third is talking loudly to someone on the phone. Loudly and angrily. Holy jesus, that woman's coughs sound like she's about to die.

So tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of dad's passing. and I'd say I'm not dealing with it exactly "well" or "good" or "constructively." Instead, I decided it'd be a good idea to listen to some music which would remind me of him and cry while at work. mmmm...

Anyway, on to more happy stuff. I'm still thinking about what makes clevelander special. What gives us our identity. First, I think the East-West Split has something to do with it. Second, I think that the town of "former glory" helps to bind people a bit.Third, maybe weather? who knows.

I"m really disturbed today. really really

What's there to say about today?

So I missed a couple of days, but I'm still resolute about writing here with frequency. Especially since I'll be buying my ipad soon! Yep, I sold my Masi and will soon be buying a iPad with my winnings. and man I'm excited. I guess it was a little strange to see my bike go, but that pretty much clears the way for me to buy my iPad and maybe a trike.

Ok, on to other things. First, I can't remember my dreams for the past few nights, so no dream diary right now. I have a somewhat busy week ahead of me. Today I work the late shift, 11-8. So I'm sitting at Tarlton trying to do some homework while waiting for work to begin. Today and this evening, I have to think about what I'll be doing for my final project in crowdsourcing. I plan to use this space to help work out some of my questions Matt (Lease) sets up these discussion places on blackboard that I dont ever remember, so this is going to be the place where I try to work out some thoughts. Matt suggested to me to do a paper about why we should care about some issues facing crowdsourcing in the future, like ethical and legal issues. I think it's an interesting idea but I'm having a hard time thinking about how to research and write it. So Im going to try to email him today and see what he has to say.

Other things to do. I have to start reviewing my notes and reviewing in general for law libraries. i'm getting a little tense about the final in that class, mainly because it's very early. So yea, I dont quite know what to do. Either way, I plan start doing that tonight, possibly at Epoch with Jocelyn.

Meanwhile, time with Michelle has been great. But it takes up time that ordinarily I'd use for freaking out and figuring out my classes. Instead, I have to organize myself a bit better. And SXSW is next week, so basically I have to double down and really try to get some good work done during this week. I hope it actually happens. Yet, with Wednesday baring down on me, and me feeling sort of not great about it right now, well, ugh.

Mainly I miss old friends. and yes, I miss cleveland. I think part of it is hearing about borders crumbling has made me nostalgic about those days back at the big B. I was talking with Kevin the other day about what might make cleveland special. and I may use this space too for that. I think that Clevelanders have a certain something that bind them together that's more than just a granfaloon. The thing is, Clevelanders find Clevelanders throughout the country, it seems. Maybe its the weather. Maybe its the perpetually failing sports teams. But there seems to be an identity that I'm not sure other towns really have.

Ok. I really need to try to get some other stuff done.

and another one

One thing I think I'll be writing here is my dreams. Since often when I sit down at the blog, I dont have anything to say, and I end up ranting about sadness and stuff. So instead I'm going to try to have a topic in hand. So one topic will be my dreams.

Last night I can only remember a very short portion of my dream. I went to south by south west and was in some theater that had multiple screens separated only by curtains. I was watching some kung fu movie and the only person there was some girl who kept coming on to me. So eventually I moved spots (we were sitting on bleachers) and then left, out onto the streets, which were wet as if it had just rained (or it was a movie -- they always wet down streets in movies.

I have to start work in about 2 minutes. But before that happens...I've been thinking a lot recently about old friends. I've been neglecting friendships recently. or that's how it feels. There's something different about my cleveland friends. I honestly believe that there is something unique about clevelanders that I haven't put my finger on yet. But I'm still thinking.

Ok. I need to run. I need to commit more time than 8 minutes to this.

Back at it

Only 3 months. only 3 did it take me to start writing here again. But this time I'm going to keep it up. I read recently that it helps with writing to write. So this is going to be like exercise.

So I haven't had a breakfast taco is probably 6 weeks and that's very sad for me. Breakfast tacos are one of the best reasons for Austin and indeed part of the reason for this blog.

But anyway, lets see what's been going on. School has been really busy. Life has been really busy. And I've been letting the business of school really get to me recently. The problem is, I'm not really sure I even want to be a law librarian. And I'm not sure what kind of training I'm getting here. Megan tries to say that "I can do anything. blah blah blah." But it looks more to me like I'm writing myself into yet another super specialized profession. Its not that its so bad, its just it irks me to be perceived as some sort of second class citizen. It irks me when people are surprised when I say I practice law. Because I do.

Oh sigh. I need to work on the self confidence, but now just isn't the time. I really miss mom and andrew and kathryn and dad. Oh dad. It's 6 days from the anniversary of his passing and i feel on the verge of breaking down a little. I miss dad every day. Every day I have a "oh why isn't dad here" moment. I wish there were some way that I could remember him better. I'm still so conflicted over his passing. I don't really know how i should feel.

But anyway, work is work. class is class. tomorrow i have to put up with crowdsourcing, which is part of the reason for this blog. so i can start jotting down ideas so my paper doesnt suck. and the exam i have in law libraries. dont want that to suck either.