Julio's

Breakfast taco from Julio's today. Amazing. That place certainly has the best tortillas of any place I've tried so far. I think that the word 'tortilla' must me something dramatically different to mexicans than it does to whities, because Julio's version is a little firm, thicker, definitely yummier. Yum.

While laying in bed last night, unable to sleep at all, I wrestled with several thoughts. First, I need to try to be more self confident. I keep thinking that maybe there reason my only success has come in school, where I'm entirely self reliant and dont really have to prove in person to any one else my worth is because I exude self doubt in person and so people don't want to date me, hire me, etc. And maybe if I believe i can, I can actually start writing down some things and maybe someone will want to publish them and maybe I can teach maybe. Second, I really need to start asking girls out. Because the liklihood of my having a family of my own is quickly disappearing, and I just dont have much time left to find someone. The problem is, I can't even take care of myself; how can i possibly think someone could rely on me at all. Third, I may buy a suit -- a gray suit -- so I look good. Four, I really want to buy my trike, even tho it would be amazingly stupid since I can't even begin to afford it.

Finally.



The problem with this trailer isn't Mel Gibson. Sure, I'd like to make sure he makes no more money. but the real problem with the trailer is that it's terrible and the movie looks horrible.

Austin blog: Ep 1: a phantom menace

I have been intending to start a new blog since moving here in August, but I think the general malaise over everything took my energy away. Now, tho, I think it might be interesting and healthy to jot down some thoughts here. I miss my c-bus blog, and sure, maybe i'll just integrate this into it eventually. But for now, here is a new blog.

So, I'm writing this mainly because I'm avoiding working on a paper or two that I have due in the next 12 days. I suppose I'm in good shape with them -- one is done in a decent draft form. I just need to flesh out a few bits at the end and draw up a works cited page. The other one is due a bit later, and I'm working on that with a partner, and she feels good about it, so I guess I should as well. But my deep paranoia about school work won't allow me to not worry about it. I guess that's the real reason I'm writing this tonight: Because my brain can't handle thinking about my papers any more, but I have to feel like I'm doing something at least a little constructive.

I have so many neroses. so many issues. But I'm not feeling them right now except for the terror over school. I really hope things work out. I'm worried because I just don't feel invested or engaged in anything I'm doing. Its very hard to give anything my full attention/care. But the aforementioned neurosis over school won't let me relax. So I just worry and not fully commit.

I keep wondering if this is in some way related to dad still. I say still, but I guess 1.5 years really isn't that long ago, right? I don't know; I still feel like it was yesterday. And I feel like I can't get on track. But, then again, I was off track when he passed away. It just knocked me further. I understand even less what I'm doing at any time. Combine that with my fears of failure, my repeated rejections over jobs, my feeling older, and you have a ball of insecurity and unsure-ness. Ugh....

I think maybe I should just go to bed early and try to work tomorrow on the things I have. I actually do think that trying to do it more tonight is folly since I probably won't make any good changes. Any that I like anyway. So leaving well enough alone is maybe good, yea?

Yea. dad. I've found that I've been missing him a lot. Basically everytime I go out walking. He enters my mind. I miss him so much.

Alrighty. I just wanted to see this blog, start it going. We shall see what happens from here. And I hope what happens is I get a good sleep, wake up well, eat a breakfast taco, and get good work done tomorrow.