still no pictures; no breakfast tacos since break started

once again, i'm trying this HTML editor, so we'll see how this goes. I finished the knife of never letting go today and enjoyed it quite a bit. Unfortunately for me and my bank account, it ends on a major cliffhanger, so even if i wasn't that into the series, I'd still need to continue just so I can find out what happens. Fortunatley its good enough to continue on. But I don't really feel like buying the next two, so I've put in my requests from the library. Hopefully they'll arrive soon.

i guess in the mean time I'll have to work on the amicus brief that Kevin and I are trying to write and the paper that i have to better-i-fy in the next 2 weeks so I can submit it to ASIS&T (whatever the hell that stands for). Honestly, I'm not totally sure why Matt thinks its worth a conference, but I'll let them decide. To me, it was all pretty basic stuff. A standard law review would dig into the material a LOT deeper, so from my legal writing perspective, its all pretty basic. This is not to say that I didn't work on the paper. Quite the contrary, I worked really hard on it. But I would have preferred if I had focused on one or two issues, rather than the 5 I did. Instead, I tried to present a survey, which to me feels super basic. I suppose it could be that's because I have legal training and I don't understand what other people can and can't understand. But I just feel like everything i wrote should be easily understandable to anyone.

i've been pretty bitter toward grad school recently. Last night I was trying to help michelle with her paper and every time her adviser used a grad school phrase like 'unpack' or whatever, i nearly lost my shit. Grad school really thinks its special. it thinks it's real life. but it just isn't. In real life, no one cares about all this crap. school tries to tell you that you're being trained for life, and what you're learning will translate to the real world. But from what i've seen, grad school mainly teaches you to do grad school. The more you're here, the more you learn how to do these student things that aren't real life... blah... i don't know.

the start of a very short summer

Two things up front. 1. I'm on vacation now, but I've been trying to work thru numerous things, so this post will probably be about those things. 2. I'm trying to type this in the html editor with my basic understanding of html. so i hope it works with luck, this will start a new paragraph after this thing.

first, Upon Reshanne's suggestion, we've started to read a book called the knife of never letting go for a reunion book club via Skype. I'm about 4 chapters in and it's not surprising to me at all that Reshanne likes this book: 1. precocious teenager; 2. mystical sic fi plot; 3. questioning of religion; 4. sort of pos apocalyptic story line. My second thought is that YA novels very often tend to be extremely plot driven. This is not to say that its bad. but importantly, the author, patrick Ness, clearly has a place in mind that the story should go. And the action in the book is designed to carry out that purpose. Again, its not bad, its just clearly plot driven.

anyway, so I'm enjoying it, but mainly I think i'm looking forward to a new book club outing. I've been trying to think about why I enjoyed book club so much, and its really a collection of things. First, great friends. I'm not sure I realized just how much I enjoyed Reshanne and Laura's company last summer. I was probably too caught up in numerous thoughts: 1. I'm old; 2. I need to have a real life beyond borders; 3. I'm afraid to build strong relationships since I'll be leaving soon; 4. any other many stupid neuroses I have.

second, I really enjoyed the community aspect of reading the same book and having a set time each week that we would get together. Who cares that we never really read the book. the point that was awesome was getting together each week by schedule. that and experiencing the same things together.

third, I've realized while being here how great the relationships I've made thru borders are and how much I miss those people. I'm not sure what it was/is, but those people are all some of my favorite people ever. Maybe its because of the growing up together thing....that we all, in the first years, slaved away, and grew together thru our early 20s into out late 20s and now in our 30s. Erin, Kevin, Josh, Pete (tho he's a bit older), kristen, maggie, Shears (a bit older)... and then when I returned, I think I expected to not really connect with anyone. So I certainly felt like the "old guard" and I bonded again with Maggie and Josh...but then there was the new crew of kids....kids who were a lot younger than me, but just like I had been 6 years before when I started. And it was fast friendship.

Yet I always felt like the outsider. Just a little. Part was because I was the old guard (as mentioned). I came in and was all like "blah blah blah this is what borders was like back in my day. blah blah blah just don't care...that's the way to be...." and all that jazz. Also, I was a lot older than everyone. And importantly, I FELT older than everyone. not wiser (tho I think I have a few things to add), but definitely older and world wearier. So I think i never expected to find as great a thing as book club. In some ways it was like my old conception of friends. back with Sara and marta and kirsten and Lowell and Zach.... back in the good days. back before we all went out ways. those fridays we're our time. not individual time, but our time collectively. And now I think I'm really missing that. The thing about grad school is that relationships feel more temporary and even a little bit forced at times. Forced because we're all very different, but slammed in the same place at the same time and we bond under similar experience. Of course, borders is somewhat similar, but at the same time, I feel like we all share more similarities than that suggests. Indeed, I will forever think of those people and those times as some of my favorite people....and ones I didn't have enough time with

so of course I'm looking forward to bringing some of that back. and even more, I really what to be friends with Laura again. Not just because I feel like an ass, but moreover because we were good friends, and I want that back. Good friendships are rare; you can't just let them die, right?

but this leads me to a problem with dating in general: I hate how it almost certainly leads to losing friends. Not just with the person you're dating if you break up, but also your other friends who fall by the wayside. I do not like that. I've been thinking about Rebekka a lot recently, how we had a great friendship beyond our dating relationship and how I miss that.I don't ever want to date her again, but I'd at least like to know how she's doing. How her life is. Share music suggestions. all that jazz. But instead we can't be friends again. Because we dated. That sort of scares me in every relationship i'm in; I'm afraid to get close and then lose it and then not be allowed to be close again.

i'm not sure where i'm going with any of this. I just want my friends. I want to hang out and shoot the shit and talk about music and books and not care about grad school bullshit and not give too much thought to the mundane things in life. I want my friends, that's it. I know that Michelle may say something about building new friendships, and that's certainly true, but I just don't move on very easily. I think part of these feelings come from hanging out a bit with Michelle's friends and feeling like this people are ok, but they're not mine. I could imagine enjoying their company, but they're not mine. I miss mine. I love my friends and I love those who have stuck with me thru the years.

I'm going to stop this. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just home sick for familiarity and for old friends. I need to give mike and kevin and nooree all calls. ugh....